Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
