If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
