need another drink. this is the easiest way
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
