you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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