Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
