fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
