I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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