I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
