I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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