Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
