Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
