i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
