I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
