Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
