My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
