Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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