i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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