Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
