I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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