Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
