I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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