Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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