I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
