its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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