Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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