im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
no, he came in my armpit
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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