can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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