I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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