wrigley field is MILF paradise
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
