sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
