Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize