sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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