The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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