i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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