I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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