Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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