I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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