She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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