I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
