I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My pussy is not your playground.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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