I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize