I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
