if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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