Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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