I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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