the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize