This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
