this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
