I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
