There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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