Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
