my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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