I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
