Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
