I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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