his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
