anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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