omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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