I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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