Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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