Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
