what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
